Coping Skills, Part 2: Anger Issues
In hindsight, I’m sure some readers of yesterday’s blog, wherein I discussed the necessity of developing “coping skills,” right after I casually admitted that when irritated, I sometimes fantasized about punching my BFF at the time in the face…well, I’m sure some readers were rather surprised by that incongruity. In reply I’d say, I’m sure my BFF frequently felt the same way. (Especially when we hitch-hiked through Ireland together, and I wouldn’t stop singing Madonna at her.) Also, and more importantly: loving me means loving all of me, honesty and cat-hair included.
But seriously: anger is a huge tool of self-sabotage and self-destruction. And if you can’t control your anger, it will control you and your opportunities. If you can’t control your anger, one day you’ll get that email or text that sends you off the deep-end, and instead of taking a deep breath, or going for a walk, or counting to 300 before you respond, you’ll hit send on some vitriolic rant…and the next email, will be from HR asking you to please come to their office ASAP. And then your enemies will have a field day…baby, why you wanna be like that?
True story: Years ago, I had a theater agent, a true legend in NYC who was, perhaps, also legendary for her “directness.” (You know where this is headed…) One day, I emailed her to invite her to attend an event with me, and I also wanted to ask her a question about my latest play, from a professional POV. The venom and rage in her response made me feel as if I had been slapped. Whoa. But as my eyebrow danced in my hairline like thunder on a summer night, I decided to take the higher road–and, crucially, not leave a paper trail–and I sent her another email apologizing for my effrontery in bothering her, and thanking her, in general for her graciousness. About 15 minutes, she emailed me, apologizing, grumpily, for my stupidity in bothering her. She forgave me. Like the way I forgave her when I heard, not long afterwards, that she had been fired from her elite agency. (Also: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!) Recently, I heard that she was doing something with puppets. (To repeat: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!) Oh, I’m sorry, what I meant to type was: “My, that’s so unfortunate.” ( Right. Unfortunate that I couldn’t pop popcorn and watch her being fired. Again: loving me means loving allll of me.)
Listen, I have been cited many times for my hair-trigger temper. I personally have lost friends and opportunities due to my tendency to snarl first, and ask questions later. And then one day you realize that anger is exhausting, and time-wasting, and opportunity-killing…and what’s the point? One of the biggest reasons I left TV, was because I couldn’t stand the (enraged) person I was becoming. I felt I deserved more joy in my life, and how could I have joy in my life if I was constantly in a low-boil with rage?
Thus, when I nag counsel you about the damaging effects of rage, I’m talking as someone who…oh well, you know, there was that time a certain other assignment editor and I at a certain network almost had a full-on fist-fight in the newsroom, till 3 (horrified) security guards got between us. Those security guards were straight-up appalled; I’ll never forget the looks on their faces as they physically held us off each other.Yes, that other editor weighed approximately 150 lbs more than me, and was about 4 inches taller than me…but I was right, and he was wrong, and I wasn’t taking any sh*t that day. (Have I ever mentioned that TV news is a very special field? Only the strong survive.)
From a strictly business sense, I’d just ask you to realize that anger is extremely disruptive, demoralizing and scary. No smart manager wants angry people on their team. Angry people don’t help work get done faster or better or smarter; you don’t become more creative when someone is screaming at you, or humiliating you in public. Angry people don’t get tapped for the corner office, or recommended: who wants that kind of crap in their offices and/or their lives? (And if you do indeed work in a field wherein angry people rewarded…ugh, is that really how you want to spend your life?)
Me personally, once I left network news and started addressing certain issues inside myself and my life in general, I was able to replace the rage with humor, and hope and, apparently, a lot of cat-hair. I’m writing this blog to remind you that your anger is wasting a lot of time, and a lot of opportunities. When you realize that, and you can let it go, you can replace it with joy. You can do this; you’re worth your best.