Fight your own battles
“How hurtful it can be to deny one’s true self and live a life of lies just to appease others.” -June Ahern
Because fighting your own battles is hard enough, right? Your own battles can exhaust you, and leave you empty, alone and frightened, wondering what the hell you’re doing with your life. Your own battles are sufficient, I promise you. But what happens when you realize you’ve spent your life fighting other people’s battles? Is your life then even yours? That’s a terrifying thought…
Say, for example, that you were raised by damaged parents–damaged, by life, like the rest of us–parents who put on you their shame, fear, heartache, insecurity, and made you feel that you were necessarily diseased, worthless, unlovable, and so you spent your life essentially sabotaging yourself, and making (poor, dangerous) decisions based on the destructive narrative you were force-fed as a child? Stockholm Syndrome much? That’s a helluva drug…
Oh, I see this, all the time, in clients, friends, myself, the world. I can honestly say, for example, that I went to law school, and got six-figures of debt, to live up to other people’s standards of prestige and success. Also, it was easier than taking responsibility. Other people’s standards and now I have to pay the bills. Lovely. For me, starting this business and making the conscious decision to be true to my own desires–not society’s, not anyone else’s, mine— was truly liberating.
I have clients who were raised to be their family’s punching bag, they were raised to be the reason that everything in their family went wrong. Naturally, when these poor people grow up, and try to construct their own lives, they’re so used to being degraded, that it’s extremely difficult for them to make positive, empowering choices. They were raised to think of themselves as polluted, so they seek “love” with people who couldn’t love them–or anyone, really–so as to, once again, get the “proof” they need to despise themselves. I see this shit all the time, and this is the essence of fighting someone else’s battles. It’s hard enough to allow yourself the chance to fall in love, the courage to put yourself out in the world, and risk having your heart broken, but when you’re up against a childhood of being told you’re unlovable, and so you actively engage people who themselves are unlovable, and aren’t interested in you, to prove someone else’s point…oy vey. That’s a battle that just wastes and consumes your time. You’ll never win that nightmare.
It really is hard enough to achieve your goals, even if you’re operating on all four cylinders. But if you want a chance to truly succeed, before you worry about business cards, or the latest time management app, or run through your elevator pitch…take a minute, and consider what exactly it is you’re chasing. Are you chasing your own goals–things that will make YOU happy–or are you hung up trying to prove yourself to other people, trying to make other people love and respect and accept you?
“What could be worse than getting to the end of your life and realizing you hadn’t lived it?” -Edward Albee
Imagine if you “just” spent your life loving, respecting and accepting yourself…imagine. What a magnificent accomplishment that would be. What a worthy battle.
“We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.” -May Sarton