Helping others to help ourselves
“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”-Gandhi
I have many friends and clients who have (young) children, and one thing I regularly notice is that the very same people who are virtually incapable of committing to their own dreams, are willing to work night and day to help their children achieve their goals. My own mother, for example, found it very difficult to believe in herself, and her aspirations, yet she always made me feel that my dreams were worth the hard work. When I would come to her and express interest in anything from being a scientist to learning to horseback ride, she always made me feel that I could do it as long as I was willing to put in the work.
I mention this, because if you’re trying to change your life in one manner or another, but you’re so overwhelmed by the enormity of your desires, that you can already feel yourself starting to give up and go watch Netflix…wait one cotton-picking moment. The hardest thing about making changes is the knowledge of how damn hard they’ll be to bring to fruition. And if you’re not your own biggest fan, it’s very hard to believe your dreams are worth it.
For example, how many people do you know who loathe their jobs with the fury of a thousand suns? How many people do you know on Facebook who start looking forward to the weekend at 6am on Monday morning? But if you were to ask these very same people, why they don’t look for a job they actually like, they make it clear that don’t believe they deserve anything much better. Yet, those very same people, if their children, for example, were unhappy in their jobs, these very same people would probably say, “I hate to see you so miserable; why not look for a job you love? You can do it!”
I’m just thinking aloud here, call me crazy, but if you’d want better for your children, or your friends, or your spouse, or partner, or whatever…shouldn’t you want it for yourself? Aren’t you also worth it? You are. Trust me. I know you’re worth your best… but you may need some reminding.
A great way to remind yourself of all that you are capable of, is to help others. Before I officially started this business, I went through a difficult period. I had lost my self-confidence in law school, I was exhausted, I wasn’t sure what the hell I was supposed to do with my life. I was bartending, I was “writing a screenplay:” I was making a lot of excuses about my own life. Yet, at the very same time, I had no problem at all giving my friends competent professional advice. I helped friends revise their resumes, negotiate raises, and I talked people through issues they were experiencing at work. I wasn’t able, yet, to help myself create this business–that seemed way beyond my pay grade–but it was extremely easy for me to help others with their problems. Eventually, a friend said to me, “Wow, Carlota,this was awesome, thank you! So how much do I owe you?” My eyebrow danced in my hairline like lightening on a summer night, as it truly dawned on me that maybe the coaching business I’d been brooding about since 1999 could become a reality…
If you’re feeling too impotent to do serious work on your own behalf…if just thinking about your goal(s) makes you dry-mouthed and panicky, don’t think about it! Instead, go help someone else. Stop worrying so much about what you’re doing with your life, and use that nervous energy to help someone else. Go walk a shelter dog, or paint your grandma’s house, or teach illiterate adults to read. Help kids-at-risk with their homework, mentor young people, plant a community garden. Stop exhausting yourself with worry about how you’re going to live this life and let yourself live. (If you’re in NYC, and looking for a place to help you get started, check out NYC Cares)
For me, seeing that my advice was helpful and important to the people that I cared about, and respected, gave me the courage, energy and determination to create something for myself. You can tie yourself up in knots, feeling overwhelmed and anxious about the dreams in your heart, or you can use those dreams to help others as you gather your courage to help yourself.