On restraining orders & self-sabotage

On restraining orders & self-sabotage

August 2, 2015 Uncategorized 0

Oh, I know: just that very title might make you take a step back and think,”Um, okay…,” but stay with me for a second here. If you are in the process of changing your life,  and you’re lucky enough to be surrounded by friends and family who aren’t threatened by your progress, but instead celebrate your journey, and make it clear that your triumphs are their triumphs…well, wow. You are indeed very lucky and I hope you frequently let the better angels in your life know how grateful you are for their generosity, buying them drinks and dark chocolate.  This blog isn’t for you. Go back to your awesome life and mazel tov.

This blog is for the rest of us, who are engaged in the daily hustle and may have some supporters…but also may have people in our immediate circle–family members, lovers, friends–who are seemingly doing everything in their power to make us feel like sh*t for committing to our dreams, because when we win, it reminds them of all that they gave up on, and  thus, our victories accentuate the emptiness and rage inside of them. Thus, we can’t be allowed to win.  (Do I sound bitter here, or simply honest? Hmm, a little bit of column A, a little bit of column B…)

If you’re trying to change your life, and there are people in your inner circle who are committed to stopping you, using all the tools of emotional manipulation at their disposal, at a certain point in your journey, you’re going to have to take these people seriously and recognize how dangerous they can be. Some people, after all, can spend an evening being berated, screamed at, being wept upon;  some people can ignore a flood of venomously cruel texts and emails and still go to a crucial interview or meeting the next morning and shine. Some people are very disciplined. Some people can simply block others on social media, and on their phones, and change the locks, and sleep well at night.

But not everyone can deal, for example, with having the sanctuary of their apartment or office violated by a former (furious) lover; not everyone can brush off a constant stream texts by  an estranged parent, asking when they’re going to “do the right thing, ” and take the MCAT/LSAT, or get married, or do whatever else is necessary to “earn” the parents’ love…and still retain the ability to seize a crucial opportunity and carpe diem.  Some people are more sensitive, and that isn’t an insult, that’s reality.  A great deal of changing your life is accepting who you are.

I’ve known men, for example, 6’3″ men, in excellent shape, who allowed themselves to be emotionally manipulated, over and over and over again, by petite 5’1″ women–women whom they knew were cheating on them, or stealing their money. No matter how many times the women hurt them, or showed up drunk at their front door, or got them fired from jobs, no matter how much crap these women brought into their lives, they’s say, “Well, Carlota, I knew she needs me, and she did bail me out of jail last time and you know…what am I supposed to do?” When I suggest that hey, maybe you get a new phone number, block that b*tch, change the locks and hey, there’s this new thing called “therapy,” which might be very useful to understanding why you’re attracted to damaged women like this in the first place…I get looked at like I have three heads. Right. I’m the crazy person here. Of course.

For some people, getting a restraining order against a former lover, spouse, partner, friend, or even–god forbid- a parent may seem outrageous, and shameful, and disrespectful and heart-breaking…but it may also be the beginning of reclaiming one’s life. I’m not suggesting that it isn’t heart-rending to have to understand that one’s parents cannot accept and value the unique mystery of you as you are…but if you’re to have to any chance of living your most fulfilling life, on your own terms, better to acknowledge this sooner rather than later, so you can start protecting your life, and your heart, today. When you’ve forgiven yourself, and learned to value yourself, perhaps, you and your parents will be able to, over time, create a new positive dynamic…perhaps. (Obviously, if it comes to the point of getting a restraining order against anyone, I hope it’s a decision that you’ve come to after serious thought. Maybe even after some prayer. There’s a difference for example, between parents who nag you, lovingly, to get married…and parents who  tell you that if you don’t deny your”sinful, disgusting” homosexuality, they’re going to put you in conversion therapy and “save your life.”There’s a difference between one’s normal frustration with other people, and the dawning, dreadful realization that certain other people want to control you in order to change you, because as you are, isn’t good enough. Let me just remind you: You, as you are, right now, is good enough. As you are, right here, right now, you deserve love and respect. Your humanity does not need to match up to someone else’s judgment to deserve value. Your humanity is sufficient.)

But it’s difficult to forgive yourself, and value yourself, and thus have the relationships and jobs you dream of, if you spend most of your time, living in fear of the next time your parents, or a former spouse or friend, is going to show up, at your job, or your apartment, without warning and publicly demean you in front of co-workers and your management. If you’ve, for example, come to the bitter realization that your former husband, let’s say, has a private detective watching you, or you have to have a secret cell phone…why are you allowing other people to make you “live” (…if you can call this living) in fear? Control does not equal love. Why are you negotiating with terrorists? When does it end? How many opportunities to be happy do you have to sacrifice so that someone else doesn’t get even angrier with you?  Why does someone else’s anger matter more than your joy? When do you take back your own power? 

When do you stop negotiating with other people for the right to live your own life.

A restraining order is a serious and intimidating thing, but for some people, it may be the  beginning of  truly understanding that the negative impact of other people’s issues, are spiraling out of control, and that they will no longer allow others to dictate the terms of their own life. 

As you are is good enough.

 

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