“Only One Person Gets to be Crazy at a Time.”

(I met Joanna Blais, the wife in this hilarious, smart, earthy, loving, ADORABLE couple, at a workshop I gave this past January at the Queens Council on the Arts…and we immediately clicked. We spent a good half hour of her free consultation on the phone just making each other cackle. When she introduced me to her husband of 28 years, Lon, the laughter continued. I was immediately struck by how much fun, how much joy, they have in each other’s company. I was so struck, in fact, that I asked them if they’d be willing to share their advice on my blog. There seems, to me, to be so much pressure on Americans to get married…but, at the same time, so little realistic advice on how to stay married, and why marriage is worth the effort. I myself am not married, and I certainly don’t think that marriage is for everyone, nor do I do think that there is only one way to be married. I know many people who are not married who love their lives, and unfortunately, all too many people who are married and miserable. Life is hard, and love is not easy.  But Lon and Joanna’s happiness and genuine love of life cannot be denied, it’s one of the many things that make them such fun to be around. With that in mind, here’s their ten thoughts on making a successful marriage! Let us know what you think! C.)

1. THE FIRST YEAR IS THE HARDEST. AND, MAYBE THE SECOND…. No matter what anyone tells you, the first year or two are not going to be all blissful and filled with newly-married joy.  Wrong : they are going to be some of the most difficult years of your marriage. You both came into the marriage with your own unique sets of baggage and  expectations. Believe me, you have them. You each have your own unique style of making your way through the world, and now you have to compromise those styles and negotiate a whole new style as a couple. And you’re going to clash sometimes. How do you survive these often difficult negotiations? See RULE #2

2. YOU ARE NOT PERFECT!! (Yes, I know, it’s shocking!) SO DON’T EXPECT YOUR MATE TO BE. You’ve taken your vows, now it’s time to prove you meant them.

3. I PUT UP WITH YOUR CRAP, YOU PUT UP WITH MY CRAP. Let’s be honest, here: we all have crap. Everyone is a pain in the butt sometimes. After 28 yrs of marriage, I am used to my spouse’s crap. We can predict each other’s crap. At this point, we’re almost comforted by it. And if you think the grass is greener elsewhere — just remember: EVERYONE HAS CRAP. And if you get into a different relationship, you’re just gonna have to learn to deal with a whole new set of crap. Each of you will do things that annoy the hell out of each other.  A great marriage is one where both people have found the one person in the world whom they can tolerate more than any one else in the world. (Would you marry you? How special is someone who would! Listen, sometimes, neither of you is a prize…)

4. PICK YOUR BATTLES. REALLY. NOT EVERYTHING IS WORTH FIGHTING OVER. There are things in life that are important — how you raise your children; how you decide to spend large amounts of money (i.e., saving for a house vs. buying a fancy new car); your religion, if it’s an important part of your life . On the other hand, the fact that he never replaces the liner in the garbage can is not earth-shattering.  Annoying, perhaps,  but not life-altering. Don’t waste your time and energy fighting over silly things. Trust us: life will throw you enough real difficulties to get worked up about.

5. YOU WILL BOTH SCREW UP. Any failure in your marriage is only a tragedy if you fail to learn from it. no matter how bad the argument, how terrible the burden, how ugly the situation.  It won’t last forever, but it will make a great story later on in life. This leads us to #6

6. KEEP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR, DAMMIT! Laugh – often and passionately. Everything – good and bad – is fodder for humor.  Believe us, if you can’t laugh together, you are done. Sometimes, laughter is the only thing that will get you through.

7. ONLY ONE PERSON GETS TO BE CRAZY AT A TIME . This is tough to negotiate and often is a tough call when both have had a bad day, but no matter how bad your day is, if his/her day is worse, he/she wins.  In our marriage, this works about 90% of the time. The other 10%? Well, you can imagine. Remember #2 – you are NOT PERFECT. Strive to be better, but forgive each other when sometimes you aren’t.

8. COMMUNICATE. ALWAYS. EVEN , ESPECIALLY, WHEN IT’S DIFFICULT. Talk – often and passionately. Everything makes for a good discussion…. and never forget that a good debate/argument can be amazing foreplay….

9. ESTABLISH RULES FOR ARGUING. You each have your own unique way of dealing with conflict. In our marriage, I (Joanna) am an Italian girl. We are loud. We express our emotions. Avidly. In my family, when we get angry, we yell and  scream, then we all cry and hug and sit down  and have pasta. My hubby is a New England boy. They do not discuss unpleasantness. It simply gets pushed under the rug. If someone fights, it’s the end of the relationship, they never speak again. So, of course,when we first got married, and I would scream, he would hide. He constantly thought we were getting divorced. Then, I’d be over the anger and want to cuddle, and he would look at me like I was a crazy person, because he just wanted to be left alone. So — here’s OUR RULE: I must yell to get it out. So, he allows me to yell several times, at which point he says: ‘WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE ME DO?” At that point, I MUST stop yelling. However, HE is not allowed to pout for days. He gets a few hours to lick his wounds, at which point he must discuss the issue with me.
This works for US. Well, about 95% of the time. (again, see rule number 2)

10. CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY. WOULD YOU RATHER BE RIGHT, OR WOULD YOU RATHER BE HAPPY? Don’t be a “right fighter.” Realize that no one knows how to push your buttons like the person you’re married to. The grace and love is to choose not to go there. ( Even though you easily could…)

 BONUS POINT: REMEMBER WHY YOU CHOSE TO BE TOGETHER IN THE FIRST PLACE! You made those vows because you wanted to go through life with this person. You LIKED each other. The irony of marriage is that it is often the very things that first attracted you to each other, that are the very same things that will drive you crazy! That’s because we are attracted to people who complement us — they have qualities that we ourselves lack. Which, of course, means you are different,  and when you are first married those differences will clash.  But here’s the thing — in choosing each other, you each were unconsciously choosing qualities that you could use more of in yourself. TRY TO REMEMBER THAT. Because if you choose to learn from each other, in the end you will be stronger, smarter, happier together than you are alone. And in the end, that’s really the point of being a couple, isn’t it? In the end, the person you’re married to, will be your legacy… the testament of your life….

Joanna Blais – retired guidance counselor,  actress, travel agent, pole dancing enthusiast, gay icon ( in the Judy Garland vein), Gyrotonics junkie, lover of reality TV and depressing books, avid reader, mother of Aggie – perhaps the world’s cutest dog. Lon Blais – husband, retired teacher – 20 years of teaching 8th grade English, now actor, director, writer, monologist, Gyrotonic trainer, cause cyclist, life coach, font of useless information.  Lon currently lives his life living out his bucket list.  He makes her laugh, she is the reason he has any measure as a man.