The Wasted Energy of Being Guilty
I was raised Jewrican, so even as I wrote that headline, another part of my brain was rationalizing, thinking, “…well, I dunno, maybe some guilt is good-” and then I shut down that part of my brain. (I distracted it with some nachos.) Because in my day-to-day life, being self-employed, I have a huge daily to-do list and, conversely, a very limited amount of time to execute that list. As it is, I sleep about 4 hours a night, the rest of the time I’m working, procrastinating, thinking about writing, whining about writing, writing, whining, playing with the cats, cleaning cat-hair off my body…oh, and helping people. Right. So, who’s got the time for random feelings of guilt?
I’m talking about being guilty, for example, for choosing to listen to Lady Gaga in the morning, instead of NPR. I spent almost a decade in news, so yes there’s a part of my brain which was trained to listen to NPR and be alternatively depressed/moved in the morning no. Matter. What. And then one morning, I said, “Meh, I’m going to give the good people of NPR a miss today, and listen to Britney Spears.” And then the next day, when the world didn’t come to an end, I thought, “What if I focused more on the things I enjoy, and less on the things which make me want to kill? What would happen if I committed to my happiness?” The short answer is that many fun things happened!
Listen, if guilt is going to stop some people from doing very bad things–hurting children, believing anything said on Fox News–than who am I to say that all guilt is bad? If guilt is going to make you treat people better, or volunteer or call your mom and make her laugh…then whatever it takes, right? But I personally find guilt to be exhausting. Guilt, to me, is too tied in to savoring one’s unhappiness. All guilt does is slow me down. And I wasted enough years of my life being bored and being boring. Basta! as Chekhov famously said.
I’m just suggesting, that perhaps the next time you’re setting yourself up for feeling guilty over doing something you really don’t want to….hey, cut yourself some slack. You’re human, you’re (probably) doing the best you can. Ask yourself why you feel the need to be so tough on yourself, and set yourself up for feeling like shit. Probably because someone, way back when you were a kid, conditioned you to feel that you need a lot of guilt and shame. Spoiler alert: That person was wrong! That person was probably also a douche. Shame and guilt are killers. What you need is fun, and tenderness and humor. And kittens. Kittens are never a bad idea. (Except maybe those hairless kittens. Yuck.)
Tell me what you think in the comments–unless you’re going to tell me that I’m a horrible human for not liking hairless kittens, then really, save us both the boredom–or feel free to email me at carlotazee@gmail.com.
Besos!
C.