Titles don’t matter.

Titles don’t matter.

August 12, 2015 Uncategorized 0

This morning, lying in bed reading my Twitter feed, as an 8-week-old rescued kitten* walked back and forth across my face, squeaking, I read this story about Brandi Lee Weaver-Gates. Brandi Lee is the Pennsylvania beauty queen recently arrested for pretending to have cancer, so she could scam her friends and family out of thousands of dollars. I read it, and I sighed heavily. Yet again, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I submit to you, living proof that titles don’t matter.

You know how I know that titles don’t matter? Because a “beauty queen,” despite her status as a paragon of female beauty, was so committed to the ugliness inside of herself, that she twice shaved her head, and lied to her friends and family, just for some damn money.  If titles mattered, she’d have contemplated her plan and thought, “What the f**k am I thinking about? Why would I steal from my family? Why would I pretend to have cancer? I’m a beauty queen, I should be able to use my title, and what it conveys, to get money without degrading myself! No money is worth the pain my lies will cause, barf!” And then she’d go put on more mascara or  whatever it is that beauty queens do.

But nope. She was so committed to her scheme, that she had family members drive her to the hospital, and wait for hours, as she hid in another part of the hospital. She was 23 years-old, hiding from her family, in a hospital, pretending to have cancer. Did I mention that she twice shaved her head?  Did I mention how intricate her particular brand of crazy self-loathing is? Oy.

I’m always fascinated by criminals’ intricate plans. Who the hell has the time to think up, never mind do this crap?  Do these people know that instead of hurting others, they could just collect stamps or read books or role-play like the rest of us?  Brandi Lee had all the time in the world to devise this tedious complicated nefarious plan…but I guess she was too busy to get a damn job? There are many criminals whom, I suspect, are simply frustrated playwrights. Or, maybe it’s playwrights I’m thinking of, who are frustrated criminals? Little bit of column A, little bit of column B…

Titles don’t matter, what’s inside of you matters. What’s inside of you, for better or for worse, can goad you on to win impressive titles, which may indeed impress others…but if you’re not impressed, or at least respectful of your own achievements, there truly is no point.  If you think you’re trash, and you get a fantastic fellowship, or your book is published, or you get promoted, you’ll simply shrug off your accomplishments. If you think you’re trash, and someone throws you a lifeline, you’ll probably sabotage it, or attack the people who tried to help you,  because you’re not ready to see yourself as someone worth fighting for. Years ago, a girl I knew, on the verge of declaring bankruptcy, was offered a part-time job in an attorney’s office. Not a fancy job, but the money would have really saved her bacon. What did she do? She did what people who despise themselves always do: she sabotaged herself.  She talked such smack about the boss, to her co-workers, that one of them reported her, and she was, unceremoniously, fired. When she told me this, she snarled, ” Christ, Carlota can you believe it? People are such garbage.” Um, okay, but if you tell me that people are garbage, and yet you yourself are also a person…you see where I’m going with this?

For many of us, pain lives within. Some people make the choice to acknowledge that pain, so as to eventually, master it. Some people run from the pain. And some people internalize their pain to such a degree that whenever something good happens to them, they destroy their happiness. They look for intricate ways to tarnish their happiness. Maybe, at the end of the day, Brandi Lee hated being a beauty queen. Maybe it disgusted her. Still,there was no need to cruelly deceive the people who cared about her. There was no need to destroy herself.

Poor Brandi Lee Weaver-Gates. For a beauty queen, she made such ugly choices.

*Don’t ask.

 

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