“My friends say I talk too much about happiness.”
Clearly I’ve been coaching for too long, because when a client recently said that to me, my inner memaw immediately popped up and snappishly responded, “Well then, they’re NOT your friends.” And I still stand by that.
Listen: I don’t have some romantic notion of friendship. Friendship, like any other relationship between humans, is damn hard. Why, after all, are people always touched by stories of other people who’ve been friends for decades? Why is there such a premium put on the ability to make and keep friends? Why do we have something like Facebook, with people racing to collect “friends?”
Making, and keeping friends, takes hard work and commitment…it’s very similar to the process of falling in love. I think back to some of my best friends in high school and college and how much fun we had and oh my lord, how OBNOXIOUS we were. True story: During one Thanksgiving while in college, I visited my best friend, a student at RISD, and we spent the entire weekend getting drunk and singing Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again.” We thought, no wait, we knew we were hilarious. My best friend’s roommate, on the other hand, wanted to run us over, back up, and run us over again. Ahh, good times! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3MXiTeH_Pg
Anyhoo, friendship is hard no matter what. But it’s even harder, no I’d argue that it’s virtually impossible to have a real, nurturing, worthwhile friendship with someone who thinks your happiness is overrated. When my client told me that her “friends” were essentially saying to her, “Oh shut up and get used to being miserable like the rest of us…”um, you know me, that sh*t is not okay. Not even a little okay. While I do have sympathy for these people, who clearly must be suffering themselves, in order to counsel another person to accept unhappiness as the natural human condition, that still doesn’t make their “advice” any less odious or dangerous.
Real friends want you to be happy because they’re happy. Have you ever hung out, for even 5 minutes, with people who are chronically depressed…and committed to their pain? Oy. Not exactly a barrel of laughs. Anyone who makes you feel guilty or somehow inauthentic, or frivolous or immature for choosing to take steps to improve your world view, from therapy to medication to doing whatever hard work will force you to stop numbing and start living…well, that person is not your friend. Your friends want you to be happy because they want to be happy. Your friends believe that they, and you, are worthy of happiness. Your friends are sympathetic to your journey because they know how damn it is.
I personally am friends with people whose political “views” make me giggle…with people with whom I can barely agree on where to eat dinner…with people who try to convince me that carrot cake shouldn’t be outlawed and while they’re wrong as the day is long, I still cherish our friendships. On the other hand, in the process of creating this business, of changing my life so as to be able to create this business, I personally have cut the cord on friendships of people I’ve known since 9th grade, because they were so committed to their misery, and, simultaneously, furious with me for choosing to commit to my ambitions, instead of my fears. I don’t miss those people. (I live in New York; if I want to be irritated and depressed, I can just get on the subway.)
I know how scary and lonely life can appear. Sometimes, it can seem better to stay with the miserable friends you have, rather than step outside of your (un)comfort zone and meet new people. But the fun you’re hoping for, the life you’re dreaming of, isn’t going to happen with people too miserable to get off the damn sofa. True friends love your triumphs! True friends are proud when you succeed. True friends love to hear you laugh. (Dear god, I really do sound like someone’s memaw…ugh, when did this happen??) Any “friend” who wants you to shut up and accept your depression, well that doesn’t sound too friendly to me. And before you tell me how impossible it is to meet new people…maybe you should learn some lessons on friendships by becoming your own best friend, and learning how to take care of yourself?
“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing… not healing, not curing… that is a friend who cares.” –Henri Nouwen
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